Our Miracle (Part 2)

Read Our Miracle (Part 1)

"So now we must cling tightly to the hope that lives within us, knowing that God always keeps his promises!"

{Hebrews 10:23, TPT}

I wish I could say my faith rose up and I clung to hope on that dark day, but I didn't. Honestly, I started to spiral into hopelessness. It wasn't just about infertility ... it was the culmination of everything over the last 3 years that had "gone wrong". Poor health, loss, death, health and educational struggles with our daughter, and now the ultimate blow - a grim infertility prognosis. "No more children" felt like the nail in my coffin. The next 2 months were a blur as we packed up our Bangkok home, said goodbye to our Thailand life, and returned to America [for a year]. I felt like all of the life had been sucked right out of my body. I was ashamed by my lack of enthusiasm, lack of joy, and lack of faith, but I couldn't fight my overwhelming disappointment.

During that time I started to research what I could about PCOS. Though the fertility doctor gave me a diagnosis, he never offered a treatment plan or future hope for my health. I was tired of feeling so horrible and started looking for alternative answers. I stumbled across a book by Amy Medling called Healing PCOS: A 21-Day Plan for Reclaiming Your Health and Life with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome and her website www.pcosdiva.com. It was released less than a month after my diagnosis and became a game changer regarding my health. Her wealth of knowledge and practical tools began to transform everything.

I started eliminating gluten and dairy from my diet, as well as implementing self-care practices. I also started seeking care with a naturopath doctor, who became a wealth of information and created a plan to address my vitamin deficiencies, as well as establish a healthy, PCOS-friendly lifestyle. For the first time in 10 years, the numbers on the scale started moving down and I wasn't even trying any crazy vigorous exercising. I went from sleeping 3-4 hours, waking up in horrible pain every night to a consistent restful 6-7 hours. It's amazing how bright life looks when your body gets proper rest and nutrients!

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Though my health was improving, my faith and spiritual outlook were grim. It's important that I share this with you because the years of infertility, the years of prayer, the years of hearing my daughter pray specifically for a baby sister, and then ask me why God wasn't answered her had worn down my faith. I wanted to believe, but my experiences and the doctor's reality were just too much. Furthermore, I started to believe that God really didn't care about me. I found myself going through the motions of faith while my heart questioned everything.

My husband never seemed to waver through it all. After that doctor's appointment, he told me that as he drove back home from the coference that day, he felt God say, "The doctor is not God." If I'm being honest, that very thought had also crossed my mind (perhaps at the very moment God spoke that to my husband), but I was too crushed to muster hope again and forced the thought out of my mind.

I distinctly remember sitting at a service where people were asked to come forward to pray for physical healing. I grew up hearing miraculous stories of healing, specifically from my grandmother, but at that moment, my heart grew cold. I was tired of asking and praying for a miracle. I refused walk up for prayer. I just couldn't, not this time. I sat still in my seat as I watched people go forward. In that moment I had a clear thought, "I know God cares about people, but He doesn't care about me. I know God heals people, but He won't heal me."

That night a friend sat next to me. She knew my struggles regarding PCOS and various health issues I was going through, but not my struggle with infertility. At that moment she leaned over and asked if I wanted to go forward for prayer.

"No." I stated.

"Why not?" she asked.

I could feel the tears swelling in my eyes and couldn't help blurting out, "...because I don't think God cares enough to heal me."

It was the first time I'd said the words out loud. I thought it plenty of times, but speaking them aloud made them real. The tears wouldn't stop. I just sat there with the reality that my hope really was lost and there was no turning back now.

... and then, something quite remarkable happened. Just before the lines for prayer dwindled down, without a word my friend got up and walked to the front for prayer. When she returned, she wiped the anointing oil from her forehead and placed it onto mind. Then she prayed that those around me would carry me with their faith in this season when I could not find my own. Over the last year, I've come back to that moment, which became a defining moment in my faith journey. In my hopelessness, one friend stood in the gap, not just in word, but action and prayer. Everything that followed happened as a result of that night ... the night God started to shatter my hopelessness and restore my faith.

For the last 10 years I've asked the Lord for a word, something He can teach me every year. It's not a goal I can strive toward, but rather my act of submission, allowing God to instill His character as my own the way He sees fit. For 2018 I felt God whisper into my heart that He would teach me how to Hope Again from Ezekiel 31:11-14 (MSG):

Then God said to me, “Son of man, these bones are the whole house of Israel. Listen to what they’re saying: ‘Our bones are dried up, our hope is gone, there’s nothing left of us.’ “Therefore, prophesy. Tell them, ‘God, the Master, says: I’ll dig up your graves and bring you out alive—O my people! Then I’ll take you straight to the land of Israel. When I dig up graves and bring you out as my people, you’ll realize that I am God. I’ll breathe my life into you and you’ll live. Then I’ll lead you straight back to your land and you’ll realize that I am God. I’ve said it and I’ll do it.’”

Not even half way through 2018, when I found myself utterly hopeless by a seemingly irreversible medical prognosis, I thought for sure I misunderstood God. But as it turns out, genuine hope is realized only after a truly devastating season. What transpired from that moment forward set the stage for God to do the miraculously!

Continue reading Our Miracle (Part 3)