COMMUNITY | Expat Eyes

Community is my final Expat Eyes topic (for this season). Creating community overseas can be as complex as it is beautiful. My heart in writing this is to both honor the joyful journey with transparency about the challenges of finding genuine friendships as an expat. Let's begin ...

Living as a foreigner has opened my eyes to notice foreigners with a deeper love and compassion. It is inherently lonely and isolating being a foreigner - the outsider consistently looking in, longing to belong. Humans were not designed for isolation. We need the life that naturally flows from community, especially from those with a common vision, goal, and purpose. One of the most challenging aspects of being an expat is finding community that truly understands your unique plight. There is a limited pool of people who have lived within an expat's cross-cultural context and the number dwindles longer you remain an expat. We have many dear Thai friends, who sacrificially walked alongside us as we continue on our language and culture studies journey. They have embrace us our family in so many humbling ways, but there is always a longing to have those expat friends who speak your heart language.

Five truths I've learned about creating and/ or sustaining community while living in Hatyai:

1. Say "YES!" That may seem overly simplistic, but when everyday life feels overtly overwhelming, it's really hard to say yes to community. Of course, there are times for no's but when you realize that no is your default answer, it's time for a shift. One yes can transform your entire situation and put you on the path that holds abundance.

When we first moved to Bangkok in 2015, it very much felt like life came with built-in friends. Community had already been established well before we arrived. Plus, I had lived there as a single woman for 2 years after graduating college. Returning felt familiar. Moving to Hatyai in January 2020 was an entirely different story. Now we were away from the hub and we didn't know of any expats living in the region. Life became increasingly more difficult when the world locked down two months after arrival. We didn't have the ability to be out and meet people in general.

On July 3rd, another expat "passing through" Hatyai invited my husband for coffee and asked it we had connect with the expat community. We had no idea such a community existed. We were invited to join their 4th of July celebration the very next day. We said "Yes!" not realizing the game changer this expat co-op community would be for our quickly evolving family. We stepped out into these unknown relationships after navigating our first lockdown. I was 20 weeks pregnant and feeling completely cut-off from the rest of the world. But that day we found a community to press into and glean knowledge from about the new city we now called home. They became our family when we needed family the most.

Weathering pregnancy and birth overseas came with lots of emotions. But this beautiful community rallied around us as though we had always been one of them. I was deeply grieving being far from home and the reality that we had no clue when our parents would be able to meet Emelyn. These sweet ladies rallied around me, threw Emelyn a baby shower, and set up a meal train after her birth. I look back on that season and know undoubtedly that we only survived by God's grace with the love of this new community God placed us in.

2. Embrace life-giving friendships! I spent a lot of time in isolation while living in Hatyai, and not by choice. On a very personal level, I felt like I was navigating the most barren of wastelands - not just due to the pandemic, but moving overseas with 3 month old to a relatively unknown city, discovering another miracle pregnancy right after the world locked down, navigating a very different healthcare system for prenatal care, and then two under two while also walking alongside a blossoming teenager. In the midst of it all, two of my dearest friends (living in Central & Northern Thailand - 1,000+ kilometers away) chose to walk alongside me.

Despite the great distance between us, these ladies sacrificially took great care to help and visit me during some of weakest and most vulnerable season of my life. I only had the strength to survive, and they carried me to the finish line. They helped us move to Hatyai and settle into new life-giving rhythms. They checked in regularly, stepped in as family when our parents couldn't come for Em's birth, took care of my girls as I recovered from my c-section, made sure I was able to get away for a real 40th birthday celebration, celebrated my wins, and pick me up off the floor as I cried with exhaustion. It required that I move forward with humility and releasing my pride with transparency about where I was in order for God's truth to heal my soul. They loved my oldest with abundance and hopeful truth as she navigated what it meant to be a big sister. When I felt restless, lacking in strength, afraid of the unknowns, and at my lowest points, these ladies stepped in with the grace and love of Jesus. Just as Titus was a great source of comfort and peace to Paul (2 Corinthians 2:12-13; 7:5-7), so these ladies were a safe haven and a source of life for my weary soul. No words will ever be able to express what these ladies mean to me, and how much more I treasure them on the other side of that season.

3. Hospitality is essential. While researching hospitality in the original Greek, I realized that the Bible highlights 3 veins of hospitality:

• "philoxenia" means show love & hospitality to strangers (Romans 12:13; Hebrews 13:2). We are instructed to pursue & cherish this type of hospitality with the idea of actively loving and remembering strangers.
  

• "philoxenos" means the act of being hospitable, generous to guests (1 Peter 4:9; Titus 1:8; 1 Timothy 3:2). This is mandatory for anyone who is a leader. This instruction goes hand in hand with loving what is good, sensible, righteous, and holy without complaining about it.
  

• "xenodocheō" means to receive & entertain hospitably - to lodge strangers (1 Timothy 5:10). In this passage, "shown hospitality" is among the marker of godly character among other acts such as being known for good works, washing the saints' feet, and helping the afflicted (particularly referencing widows in this passage).

I believe hospitality is the gateway to facilitating deeper friendships. In Hatyai, I tried to actively pursue opportunities to serve our community well as much as I could in the season of life I was in. When we initially searched for our Hatyai home, I told the Lord that if He provided a large space, we would use it however He want. We kept our main living space open and flexible so that we could rearrange furniture at a moment's notice to make room for as many people as needed. We hosted all sorts of activities from a talent show to art classes to game nights to craft projects to Bible studies to moms of littles. We made our house available for holiday celebrations, hosting Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, and birthday parties. We started Super Bowl Breakfast Parties (because the game starts Mondays at 6:30AM Thai time instead of Sunday afternoons in America). My heart delights in creating a space that brings rest and reprieve for friends and strangers alike.

As time went on and we met the hospitality opportunities the Lord provided, and we saw the fruit of friendship blossom. There is a special blessing for those willing to pursue hospitality without grumbling, with an open heart that is ready to meet every need God sets before them. I am reminded of a note I wrote in my Bible from a Lent study I did last year called Confident from Well-Watered Women:

Referencing how the heroes of faith greeted God's promises from a distance in Hebrews 11:13: "Greeting someone in Hebrew hospitality meant embracing and kissing. It meant pausing all their plans to reorient a whole day or evening around the presence of a guest, providing food, rest, and a place to feel at home. It meant service, fellowship, privilege, and responsibility."

May the same always be said of our hospitality as we pursue to love the stranger, friend, and foreigner God entrusts to our care in every season.

4. Keep calm and carry on! Perhaps the most discouraging aspect of expat community is the fact that it's so fluid. In our 4 years in Hatyai, we saw 8 families come and go. Some stayed for a year, some stay a couple months. Every time someone new arrives, there is great joy. Every time someone leaves, there is deep grief. I remember one evening talking with a group of expat ladies, who all expressed similar sentiments. Misguided or unrealistic expectations make Hatyai a rough landing place. It's not judgment, but simply reality. The Deep South region does not look, feel, or function like the rest of Thailand. Personally, I'm learning that it's by God's grace alone that anyone is able to thrive there with longevity.

Likewise, it's easy to allow hurtful experiences and empty words stop you from pursuing friendships. Prior to May 2022, over the course of 14 years, we walked alongside 6 different families/ individuals that "signed up" to join our work in Hatyai. Every unit requires years of investment, but none ever made it (except that sixth, who quit after only 4 hours upon arrival). This revolving door of people along with the emotional rollercoaster of "will they?" / "won't they?" can easily weary you out. There were certainly times I questioned whether or not I even wanted to try again. Instead, my prayer has become: "Lord, keep my heart tender and let me remain faithful to Your calling in spite of what I see or how crushed I've feel."

I believe God has honored that prayer because today we are seeing new community forming for the future. But those things would not be formulating now had we not kept calm and carried on, remained in tune to the Holy Spirit, gave our burdens to Christ, and allowed ourselves to be guided by His peace. His discernment will never lead you astray.

5. Build with vulnerability. Everyone longs for community and life-giving friendships, but not everyone knows exactly how to go about do that happen. Hearing this on a podcast really challenged me to start being proactive about my new friendships. I tried twice a month to get together for one-on-one time with a new friend/ acquaintance. I started stepping out to build with intentionality by example with vulnerability. I set aside my grief of being too far away from dearly loved friendships and decided to plant myself in the Hatyai community where we lived. I needed to intentionally step away from my insecurities and pressed in to build more beauty than I could have imagined. I started to see a difference and God started filling my life with joy abounding from these new friendships. Life is not meant to be lived alone. There are people that want to live this life with you. Be brave. Be bold. Be available. Be vulnerable.

Thank you Jesus that since the beginning of creation You had community in mind for us. You did not create us for isolation, but for abundance. And yet, there are times we are afraid and avoid community altogether because of the deep hurts and toxic cultures we've seen or heard or experienced. For the weary heart, I pray strength and courage. For the fearful heart, I pray peace and confidence. For the broken heart, I pray healing and restoration. May Your example of sacrificial love sustain us when friendships fall flat, people disappoint, and community implodes. May we walk in confidence knowing You never fail us and Your way alone brings true, life-giving community that nourishes our souls. In Jesus' name, amen.